#I CANT BREATHE THERES SO MUCH GOING ON
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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason
#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended#i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes#if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up#but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it#bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up#theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting#for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice#...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it#and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection#so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore#it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game#and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down#back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians#but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun#so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same#rambling#maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏
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why..... am i still awake......... coughs like i dieying
#thistle.txt#i mean my cough has gotten better. winning. somewhat. but i have been up the past 28? hours? which isnt ideal?#i dont know i kinda dont know numbers right now maybe its been longer.. i dont know......#just been very antsy due to thinking about the characters too hard for too long. i dont know why it odes that to me.#i have to think about NOVEL INTERESTING THINGS to survive. & well there havent been many interesting things to think about#kinda just like mold & spores figuratively...#caught a glimpse of whats going on at sment & closed my eyes. ahh... horrible horrible. not good stuff over there. not good.#oh my god. dpr in one month. shaky breath. they better not put any fucking lame songs on the setlist!!!!!!!!!!#fuckk i think rome did mood at that one concert last year i hope he does it again#tried to think of a song i dont want him to put on the setlist & couldnt find one. really? surely theres one#i thought there was a song on miito i didnt like as much....? hm. oh well more good music for me#maybe it was avalon but like so long as it doesnt take the spot of a song i REALLY like im fine w avalon. its not bad#& its hard to be mad at music once im seeing it live#now live........... well alli ahve to say is he should release more music some time. maybe. think about it.#not to be ungrateful or anything.#fuck my voice is like SHOT shot i forgot i cant speak at any kind of high pitch rn..... well i do like the deeper voice lip bite emoji..#i have no reason to talk out loud though good night
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i send my friend suggestions of tourist places to see in his new country (his contract was extended, lucky him!) or messages about friend of friends i have living there that he could maybe meet for fellow americans to talk to, and his response is always that he doesnt have time. and not in that exaggerated way that people do to seem busy. but in that bone tired way i recognize from him here in LA, that i recognize in myself.
#jrnlsht#i watch the lives of my friends who have Made It on social media and its like looking through glass into another world i cant relate to#theyre so happy and confident and successful and its beautiful#you know whats a funny thing about LA#so many people on the on*line da*ting apps put *successful* on their list of requirements in the people they want to date#like theres a bar of entry and if you haven't reached a certain goal post like... blue check marks on your social media or a level of wealt#then they arent even going to want to get to know you#and its so antithetical to how i was raised i cant even comprehend#and yet i see it happening to my own relationships#in pittsburgh i had friends from literally ALL walks of life from people who made even less money than me to comfortable to fairly wealthy#here my friends are almost entirely of one professional class#and i have been observing how my hyper wealthy friends self select in who they interact with to maintain this wealthy bubble around them#i dont think it's entirely intentional but its also not not intentional if you know what i mean#anyway its one of the reasons i fucking loved the talk on saturday oh my god those two were a breath of fresh air i needed so much#these smart genius dudes built their own life and instead of constantly looking up for more and more personal gain#they paused and looked at the people still desperately trying to rise#and were like if i have gotten this far why cant i help you do it too and then they DID IT they actually started helping#i think that is the true meaning of success
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what the fuccckk is wrong with me
#i felt okay just a few days ago theres nothing thats been going wrong why do i feel so fucking awful#ive been trying to ignore it all day but that never works it just delays it#crying so much i cant fucking breathe rn and i dont know why i dont know why i do this to myself#doing nothing is the only thing that feels safe and i hate that thats how i feel#cade barks
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just had mance catatonia for 2 hours at work at my desk because when he got abducted in a “skirmish” in which his wildling mom died as an infant/toddler… how would they know it was the son of his nights watchman dad? he had to have BEEN there, right? to verify at least the woman’s identity? cause like. What if he organized the raid specifically for the purpose of abducting him??? literally how else would they know who he was???????
#i cant think about mance’s upbringing or i’ll literally go crazyinsane#i doubt his father had a presence in his life given that he doesnt get mentioned really so maybe not but#i’ll have to ruminate further#i mean kidnapping a toddler and raising him away from his culture in a military base is already. hurg. but#it’s definitely vaguely possible one of the other watchmen would have recognized his mother but#Or theres always the option that with her dying breath she told them about it and asked them to take him in#which i GUESS is much more reasonable… but less interestingly horrible#what a wild lategame retcon if it is true. like literally in jon’s second last dance chapter george ur crazy
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Day four ? without any sleep
#personal#thoughts#drugs#iv drug addict#too much in my head#never stops#constantly thinking#never productive though of courses#mostly my fears that there is literally nothing i can do to escape them or even make hurt less#thoughts of why and what it is i hate about myself#how much i wish i could go back#or just change things now#either way theres so many regrets#so much i cant forget#i cant forgive myself either#im getting closer and closer to ending this shit every dqy#even more so when i get stuck in such a bad place that i cant catch a breath while sobbing uncontrollably#so much guilt too#i feel so much pressure to be more than my father while being nothing like him or my sister#but just existing each day feels overwhelming#even when i can use its still bad.#nothing helps. it just makes me feel horrible and undeserving#i was not supposed to be a human alive in this world#especially not having this mind i have paired with this body and all else that i wish i was strong enough to ignore or heal#my real wish would be to have never existed in the first place at all#everyone would be so much better if i wasnt making life worse for them#dreams of living thoughts of suicide
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finally did the math and i have/will be working 65 hours in one week lol, average of 9hrs per day, which is more time than i spend sleeping
not counting the time i spend travelling, which would make it ~73, which means an average of 10hrs every day
could pick up a shift tomorrow and make it 71 (80 with travel)
#this is so awesome i feel like im dying#i keep sleeping like. maybe 4-6hrs a night and now when i take my testosterone in the morning it feels like rebellious self care#bc i literally do not have time to between waking up and leaving without making myself late bc i sleep in way too late every day#so i keep being late bc im so fucking tired and then my manager gets mad at me for being late when i worked until midnight and its 8am now#i literally feel like my body is breaking down. my calf muscles have this stabbing pain behind my knee and my joints are so painful#i cant breathe properly bc im so tense and anxious and tired and ive had to rewear underwear 3x bc i havent had time/energy for laundry#i finally showered on friday after 2-3 weeks it was awesome and i keep crying on the bus and in the office#i feel like im going to collapse im in so much pain and i keep gettin really close to killing myself but i dont have time to be hospitalised#anyway. srry abt venting so much here#also i literally dont know if my bf is ok bc theres flooding in his area and i think hes asleep so he hasnt text back for hours#delete later#none of it would be so bad if going home was at least restful but theres literally no respite from it bc my room is a wreck#im so anhedonic that literally nothing feels good anymore so i cant even cheer myself up unless im drunk bc i dont have a weed dealer rn#might try to get some co-codamol for the pain tomorrow after my blood test but idk we'll see
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Vent
Tw SH, sucide
#:(#i give up on life tbh......#everyone would be better off without me#i keep fucking up and hurting people when i try to do the exact oppisite#im crawling from distraction to distraction like its a drug.......#im trying to be a good person and not let my emotions thru...#but its really hard not to be sad about this#i hate that i need to be with someone in order to feel real...#theres a mole hill that im trying to not turn into a mountain but.....its really bothering me :(#but i know its also my fault so ill leave it alone#i wish i had the courage to kill myself#i know you all are nice n want me here#but im truly such a worthless person even when i try my hardest#i wish i could go to the hospital#i wish i could swallow pills but i know ill just get sick n throw up and cause hospital bills#already tried cutting but i couldnt get enough pressure#i loved someone so deeply that i imagined them to get thru the day......i screwed it up and now ive hurt another person#wish i could go mute n never talk again#:'(#i gotta remind myself that i should be happy cus theyre healthier without me#.....but fuck i loved them so much#no matter how badly i crave romance im just gonna shut myself off from now on. like a monsrer in a cave.#i cant love like that again#i cant go thru another death of my dreams......#im a loser who lives with a dad he cant take care of anyway#at my funeral they wouldnt be able to say anything about my actions. im a worthless idiot who is so so so so SO stupid#i cared so much that it ended up looking like i didnt#.....why do i have to love so hard? i wish i was emotionless or at least numb to romance.#the fact that im never going to get it breaks my heart so hard my chest hurts and i have to manually breathe#my tombstone wouldnt say anything but my name......
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cw. megumi x reader , stomach bulge , tummy pressing , size kink
Right now, Megumi has his grab on your thighs, blunt nails digging into soft flesh, thumbs circling pink bites on the inner sides. It's a routine that's starting to become familiar. Your hips are slightly lifted up from the bed, and he really cant explain why, but when he can see the outline of his dick through your stomach, he absolutely loses it.
You were horrified at the sight when you first saw it, but Megumi on the other hand? He was turned on the most he's been in his entire life.
He just loves pressing on the bulge in your little tummy. Its addicting—watching you squirm and whine and protest with little results. Seeing the way you cant decide if you want to stray from his touch or arch further into it. Loving how big his dick is compared to you.
"Fuck baby," he breathes out in awe. "See that? Feel it? Can you feel my cock deep inside you?" He groans as he pulls out all the way just to slam back into you, starting a fast, rough pace that doesn't seem to let up and makes the sound of sticky arousal totally embarrassing.
A hand retreats from where it's holding up your thigh to grab one of your own hands, wrestling the grip you have on crumpled sheets and guiding it down to your stomach.
"Wha- nghh, M'gumi, don't—!" A long, drawn out moan escapes your lips before the rest of your complaint can. Your hand is trembling, and too weak to escape his grab.
"C'mon sweet girl, don't you like how full I can make you feel?" He coos.
Your head falls to the side, attempting to push your face into the soft pillows, "N-noo... feels so weird..." The drawn out nature of your words make you sound unsure. Megumi doesn't believe that you don't like it, because oh, he knows you do.
"Awwh... you sure you don't like it, baby?" He says, faux innocence laced in his sweet tone. You pout. You know what he's doing to you, and hes so wrong for it. He leans in closer, tilting his head, teasing you so you get all embarrased—hot and flustered. "I should just pull out then if it's too much."
You shake your head so fast you almost get dizzy, unable to form any coherent words. Only small uh-uh's make it past your moans.
It's too hot. Megumi is so, very close to you right now. You're able to feel the radiating warmth of his body, his breath against your ear. With the added weight of his teasing, it becomes far too invading. You bury your face deeper into the pillows.
When you get like that, the heat always pressures you into spilling whatever you don't want to say—always. You make for a terrible, terrible liar.
"What about when I do it like this?" You face him again with curiosity. Your brows are furrowed, sweat beads down your hairline. Glossy eyes search his face in confusion in the cutest way ever before dilating in panic.
He adds more pressure and forces your hand harder onto your stomach, closing the little distance seperating the two of you to kiss you sloppily. You make a noise of shock, whining as he continues to knead your hand onto it.
Your cries melt back into the sound of pleasure, moaning into the kiss, your whining dying down.
When he pulls back theres drool collecting at the corner of your mouth. You're red in the face, eyes averting in shame 'cause you really do like it when he presses on your tummy like that. "Tell me how much you love it," he taunts.
When you're like this, you're able to feel all of him. Able feel every single thrust just grazing your cervix, senses going into overdrive as you subconsiously stop trying to fight his hold on your hand with the little to no strength you were using to begin with.
"I, hahh, love it! Love your cock s-so much! Feel so full... hah- aah—!" With one last thrust, your back arches, core unraveling around his length. Walls tightening, spasming in a way that makes Megumi spill all his praises. As your chest heaves heavily, your abdomen flexes and tightens, revealing the silhouette of your boyfriend's cock stuffed inside of you even clearer now.
The corner of his mouth quirks up in pride, "I bet you do, baby. I fuckin' bet."
He really should start doing this more often.
#jjk megumi#jjk smut#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen megumi#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu megumi#megumi fushiguro#megumi fushiguro x reader#megumi smut#megumi x y/n#megumi x reader#megumi x you
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screaming, tearing my hair out, sobbing face down on my bed
#so my ex-boyfriend left the temp housing place without cleaning up at all. The thing is we were still together when he left.#We broke up after he was gone and before I came back to the house. The sink is overflowing with dishes and he left stuff here even though he#moved over an hour away. The other person that was staying here also left all the dishes dirty. Its the temp housings community dishes so I#cant cook or eat now and I CANT DO DISHES RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I STILL ALMOST PASS OUT WHEN IM STANDING FOR TOO LONG?#which he knew about before he left the place. and so did the other person staying here because she was my cousin.#I'm disgusted by people. And I'm so hurt? We were going to stay together and he did that to me. And I know he wasnt planning on leaving me.#Because he left two items very important to him sitting on our bed.#One being his ushanka that he got while living in russia with his grandpas soviet pin still on it.#And two the blanket his children were wrapped in as babies.#He left so much stuff here when I asked him to take everything. But he made sure to take the food that was his/what he thought should be his#Im pretty sure that he took my only HDMI cord too and I dont know what else.#I still have all of his other stuff in a storage unit. I plan to give it back but unless he gives me atleast a day of notice I cant.#Im going to have to call my mom to ask her to help me clean this all up. I physically cant do it And I'm calling the housing department tmrw#I gotta tell them that they gotta make sure that people actually follow the contract because i cant fucking eat until my mom comes to help#Theres cameras in all the common areas including the kitchen that run 24/7 so why havent they done anything. The other person that lived#here already moved out and it was all recorded. I gotta put in a complaint or something. This is why I'm losing a dangerous amount of weight#because I cant eat especially since i had an abortion 2 weeks ago thats given me so many health issues#I couldnt walk or move for days without my vision going black and i had such severe pain I was in and out of the doctors office and the ER#Not to mention I couldnt breathe when I was standing/walking too. And then he just left everything for me to deal with.#and yes again WE WERE STILL TOGETHER WHEN HE LEFT#im so tired and hungry man this is fucking terrible.#tag vent#vent in tags#vent
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#delete later#am i wildly researching where i may end up living at 2am awake bc of pain? yes. should i be? absolutely not#theres a dry spell of properties and obvs i know itll improve again but eurgh. there were some nice places that have gone abd now theyre al#student accommodation and im not doing that. that isnt me seeing students as below me i just cant function in a shared#place with strangers. i will lose it and stop functioning. im just. stressed. and i can't do anything bc im in pain so thw stress is just#sitting there#its. having a chronic health condition that can get worse seemingly randomly sucks. how can i plan for anything. my current fear#is how can i view places to live if i cant leave the flat. my hands will improve but if im not carefil they will keep flaring up#but tine doesn't wait for health to stabilise. im just tired of it all. i need to future plan but whats tge point when idek#when I'm next gonna be able to go outside without fucking myself up. im gonna have to bc i feel so fucking claustrophobic rn#im having a pity party. i gotta sometimes. just. kinda miserable. i hate being in limbo. on the upside all friends gifts arrived. gonna try#figure out how to wrap them one handed. or find a bag. we'll see which i can do lol. feel kinda bad ive just been like hiding for the#past couple weeks but im in pain. not much to be done abd i need ro frequently lie down and just control my breathing#not conducive to fun. its 2am i need to sleep. i hurt#i know im whining a bunch lately. ahit just is. overwhelming and deeply upsetting. and im in too much pain to do anything but#lie here and think about it. and that sucks
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trying to watch all of us strangers and it's just making me cry really hard this is why I don't do romance movies WAH
#not even at actual sad bits i just lose my mind watching ppl w chemistry act romantically on screen#when its well done and it feels intimate..... taking poison damage ouuuuurggh. -1hp -1hp -1hp ow... -1hp#god i fucking miss kissing ppl i miss physical intimacy its hard to breathe watching this. in a good way but also oww. ouch!!!!#i am so normal and well adjusted i promise. come here#i wish i didnt react the way i do sometimes to physical contact theres no reason i dont understand why it happens#like i wish it was easy for me and came naturally bc i always want it so so badly. but the fucking flinch where does that come from#and it makes everyone treat me like glass and avoid me bc they think i dont like it or just tolerate it i promise im not lying come back#its so so so frustrating and i find it so hard to watch other ppl being affectionate its like looking directly at thr sun#and i know im so obvious around other ppl when i get upset bc theyll touch and avoid me and then i get upset if they do touch me bc they#only do it when they feel bad for leaving me out ppl only ever hug me when they feel sorry for me do u know how shit that makes me feel#i just want ppl to want me around and in their space bc thats what i want but is it too much.to ask 🥹🥹🥹🥹#its easier when i warm up to ppl but it just takes so long and its so rare for anyone to believe me by that point the boundaries are set#im like a little feral kitten i need to be physically socialised before i get adopted#this isnt even making sense anymore im so tired my mind is all over the placr. sloshing on the floor. anyway ummmm#i cant keep being like this forever man#not even talking abt sex but thats a whole other thing. wouldnt it be nice to fuck without fitting the stone top role. i wouldnt know#all respect to ppl who are stone and all the ace ppl i know but im NOT i do want it i very much do experience the attraction!!!!#but for some reason my body wont let other ppl touch me it drives me fucking insane. i dont even have trauma like whatever man#didnt even use to be this bad i was such an affectionate kid n teen i wish i could go back man. man!!!#what a fucking decade of mental illness and repression does to a mf. forget all the other ways its affected me this is the worst by far#just the isolated n alienation innit. well it is what it is. maybe someday ill get it back#anyway sigh..... back to the movie.. i do like it so far its very pretty just different to my usual sort of film innit#considering i watched cure last weekend ajskdnf. the tonal difference#cure was a weird one but thr more i think abt it the more it sticks with me.... so good i need to watch more kurosawa#ANYWAY#.diaries#sorry for getting so personal on a saturday night.. im home alone for 24 hours and this is what happens
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Hello 👋 🤗,
I hope you are well 🌺.
I am writing to you with a heart full of hope and faith, asking for your urgent help. My family is in great danger due to the war, and I am running a fundraising campaign to save them.
Please, could you reblog the post about my campaign on my account? Every share can make a difference in my family's life. 🙏
Note:My old Tumblr account was deactivated💔, and I need your support again♥️.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any help you can provide. 🌹🌺
hello!
i try to avoid any potentially stressful things on this blog, since i have nothing to donate and hate the guilt of being unable to help.
this is the link to the gofundme, and its been vetted plenty,by what i saw. im glad youre getting closer to your goal and wish you safety and fortune going forward.
#asks#donation#i ma not going to make a habit of reblogging these things since i have so few followers and the only good i think this does#is take a moment to show where i stand(people should not be killed en masse)#anyways. i tried to donate a few times but it refused-my only guess as to why would be a currency uh transfer issue? would you happne#to have any alternate payment methods outside of gofundme? i have like 10 usd in my spendings i can try to give#jts not much but it can help add up i hope .#but . to anyone who is reading this i assume that if you could donate you probably have and if you cant then theres no point in just . guilt#it doesnt make things better to hate yourself for not being able to fix thhings so dont worry .#itll all be ok in the end so if its not ok its not the end <-only thing keeping me going some days</3#hopefully some day youll get to the point you have the opportunity to help others . whether that be disposable income#or a moment in time you can offer .whatever . if that time isnt now thats fine itll come eventually so just keep going#any ways . i just dont like people feeling guilty for something they cant change or didnt choose. its not ur fault#n as long as you choose to help when u can thats the thing that defines you and the thing that matters#(this would have gone on my sb for these kinds of things since they stress me out to no end but since the ask was sent here#thats where its gonna end up ig</3)#hope everyone has a good day or moment . if not now then soon . just to take a moment and breathe and feel okay#that would be nice
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Absolutely rude that sleep would definitely fix me, but my sickness is keeping me from sleeping!! Fuck this!!
#im sick!! coughing. sore throat. no voice. body aches. hard to breathe#its miserable. im taking ibuprofen mucinex and cough drops constantly#but the coughing is so bad it keeps me from sleeping. lack of sleep is Not helping#i bought nyquil yesterday and i think that helped but unfortunately. nyquil is nasty#however i think it knocked me out so i will just rinse it down with mtn dew#i think half of my bosy is sickness and the other half is four different medicines. theres nothing else inside of me#since i cant sleep and trying is frustrating. but i know laying down and resting is better than nothing#ive started listening to the magnus archives again#i stopped after like ten episodes. awhile ago. because it was making me anxious and the vibes werent right#but then the woman i have a crush on spent like half an hour telling me about it. she told me about the season finales and such#she was so passionate and seemed to love it so much that i decided to listen again and tbh im vibing#its a good time. just pop in my earbuds before bed and listen to an episode like its a bedtime story lol#it was unfortunate when i listened to like five episodes and then had to walk through the dark forest#woth no light to go shower. that was ideal#anyway please pray for my recovery. i am in hell with this sickness
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#me when im feeling normal: lol y do i get burnt out so badly?#also me when im feeling normal: ur not allowed to do anything until u get X things done. u will focus for 8hrs then youll fucking sit there#and focus some more bc u really wanna not be doing X anymore#and my brain is just like wah i dont wanna#im trying to be nicer abt it. like trying to not get so frustrated when i cant focus and get distracted#and then just take a deep breath and start things#but it is weird how for whatever reason part of my brain decides im not allowed to do things until i meet X conditions#its very annoying and is why my life is such a fucking disaster lol#srry for being so chatty today i dont think I've talked to anyone since like friday? or Thursday?#no wait i opened the doors to the lab for a friend yesterday. but i was kinda talking past her bc my brain was like 2min delayed lol#hhhhh ive gotta get up at like before 6 to work with the fucking machines. bc i said i would test something today but i didn't so tomorrow#morning it is. but 1st i gotta fucking start this last application bc i wanna stop having stress dreams#hhhh 8 days and i can go home :-( and then i can stress abt other things#its weird to think abt but idk if ppl realize how little i tslk to ppl. like my socializing is being around ppl in the lab#and i try to go in when theres no one there so a when im stuck in a car with someone its like bro this is the most ive talked all week#i spend 90% of my life in silent isolation and the other 10% talking way way too much lol#but i cant help it. lulls in conversation make me wanna scream. also insert that always sunny quote abt having shit to say lol#unrelated
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Didn’t manage to add anything to my thesis today because it was too damn hot to even think and its so damn hot and humid it feels like there’s no air to breath and its not going away so we'll looking at a night of like 21-23 C temp with 80% humidity and this is straight up HELL so Im gonna get approximately zero sleep so I guess Im not gonna be writing my thesis tomorrow either :')
#personal#vent#I hate it here#so much#it reeally feels like theres no air to breath#and I never sleep well when its hot at night#not to mention this humid#I can tell Im lookin at zero sleep and a hellish day tomorrow#cant even offset it with some and games#because Cyberpunk will make my PC sweat so much it'll only make my room worse#tho at this point maybe I should just not go to sleep#and spend the night gaming#who tf knows
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